The Onion

America's Finest News Source

No Reason You Can't Be Chiropractor Like Your Cousin Jeffrey

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 09:00:00 -0400

DAVENPORT, IA—According to your Aunt Sharon, Jeffrey is his own boss, he can take vacation time whenever he wants, and people call him "doctor."

[audio] Area Man Breaks Out Dating Boxers

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 20:00:00 -0400

[audio] Gatorade Pledges $200 Million In Thirst Aid To Underquenched Nations

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 20:00:00 -0400

Fan On The Street: On Dez Bryant Refusing To Carry Roy Williams' Pads

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 13:00:00 -0400

[audio] Area Man Experimenting With Homosexuality For Past 8 Years

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 20:00:00 -0400

Bengals Sign Terrell Owens To One-Year, $2 Million Ordeal

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 14:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI—The Bengals reached a contract agreement with wide receiver Terrell Owens Tuesday, signing the outspoken six-time Pro Bowler to an excruciating one-year ordeal worth $2 million plus bonuses.

Jennie Finch Retires From Lists Of World's Hottest Female Athletes

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 11:30:00 -0400

American Voices: Congress Rolls Back Crack Sentencing

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 09:30:00 -0400

The U.S. Congress passed legislation reducing the disparity of sentencing for crack cocaine possession versus powder cocaine from 100:1 to 18:1.

Statshot: What Tricks Are We Teaching Our Dogs?

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 13:30:00 -0400

New Robot Capable Of Unhealthily Repressing Emotion

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 10:00:00 -0400

PITTSBURGH—Announcing a crucial breakthrough in the effort to create machines that accurately simulate human behavior, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University said Monday they had built the first robot with the capacity to suppress its emotions.

Sportsgraphic: Lance Armstrong's Tour De France Career

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 12:00:00 -0400

Seven-time champ Armstrong will almost certainly retire from cycling following his crash-ridden swan song in this year's Tour, but he leaves fans with many memories.

Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 09:00:00 -0400

WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest level in decades, the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the crisis is primarily the result of millions of Americans just completely blowing their job interviews.

Lip-Reading BCS Computer Kills Officials Who Want To Shut It Down

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 09:00:00 -0400

TEMPE, AZ—BCS 9000, the sentient heuristic computer responsible for arranging five championship bowl games at the end of each college football season, reportedly uncovered a plot to disconnect its cognitive circuits Tuesday and proceeded to kill any...

In Focus: Gambling-Addiction Study Gets Out Of Hand

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 12:30:00 -0400

LAS VEGAS, NV—A gambling-addiction study by researchers at UNLV's Gaming Studies Research Center has "gotten way out of hand," sources close to the project reported Monday.

Strongside/Weakside: Stephen Strasburg

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 12:30:00 -0400

After only nine starts, Strasburg's incredible speed, motion, and control have made this pitcher the most exciting rookie baseball has seen in years. Is he any good?

In Focus: New Gas Bill Designed By Some Kind Of Freaking Maniac

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:15:00 -0400

BOSTON—Some kind of raving psychopath apparently gnawed through his restraints and burrowed out of the Massachusetts Center For The Criminally Insane to design the invoice for the Keystone Gas Company, 36-year-old Michael Beasley reported Monday.

Letters To The Editor: Color Blind

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:00:00 -0400

Dear The Onion, I'm color-blind. What's green like? Brian Ackley, Southfield, MI

American Voices: Tennessee Candidate Asks If Islam Is Cult

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 09:30:00 -0400

At an event earlier this month, Tennessee gubernatorial candidate Ron Ramsey questioned whether Islam was a religion or a cult, drawing criticism from Muslim leaders.

Infographic: Chelsea Clinton Getting Married

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 12:30:00 -0400

Chelsea Clinton, daughter of former president Bill Clinton and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, is marrying Marc Mezvinsky this Saturday in a ceremony that will be attended by Barack Obama, Barbra Streisand, and Oprah Winfrey. Here's what to expect from the nuptials.

Bar Patrons Dismayed By Sight Of Band Setting Up

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 10:00:00 -0400

ATLANTA—Patrons of Valentine's Tavern were visibly crestfallen Tuesday when their pleasant evening of drinking and conversing with friends was suddenly derailed by the sight of a few people plugging in instruments.

Opinion: If Only There Were Some Way I Could Watch Premium Movies In The Comfort Of My Own Home (by Jeff Kunstler)

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 11:00:00 -0400

Television technology has been improving for decades, to the point where anyone anywhere in the country has access to hundreds of quality cable channels at the touch of a button. Shouldn't watching the hottest films, with today's hottest stars, be just a click away, too?

In Focus: World's Scientists Admit They Just Don't Like Mice

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 12:00:00 -0400

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—Scientists announced that experimentation on mice has been motivated out of sheer distaste for the rodents.

Letters To The Editor: Oil Change

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 13:00:00 -0400

Dear The Onion, I'd just like to say there's no reason to change your oil every 3,000 miles. Your car can make it to 5,000 easy. Don Schwarting, Saginaw, MI

Several NBA Teams Interested In Shaq As A Person

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 11:25:00 -0400

NEW YORK—Officials from the Hawks, Celtics, and Heat expressed interest in Shaquille O'Neal as a person Wednesday, confirming league rumors that they believed the free agent center would be highly suitable for a long-term friendship.

Magazine: Are Physical Events Truly Individuated On The Basis Of Spatio-Temporal Localization, Or Is This Merely A Convenient Ontological Mode Of Evading The Influence Of Causal Powers? 

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 12:00:00 -0400