|
|
The OnionAmerica's Finest News Source No Reason You Can't Be Chiropractor Like Your Cousin JeffreySat, 31 Jul 2010 09:00:00 -0400 DAVENPORT, IA—According to your Aunt Sharon, Jeffrey is his own boss, he can take vacation time whenever he wants, and people call him "doctor."
[audio] Area Man Breaks Out Dating BoxersFri, 30 Jul 2010 20:00:00 -0400
[audio] Gatorade Pledges $200 Million In Thirst Aid To Underquenched NationsThu, 29 Jul 2010 20:00:00 -0400
Fan On The Street: On Dez Bryant Refusing To Carry Roy Williams' PadsFri, 30 Jul 2010 13:00:00 -0400
[audio] Area Man Experimenting With Homosexuality For Past 8 YearsWed, 28 Jul 2010 20:00:00 -0400
Bengals Sign Terrell Owens To One-Year, $2 Million OrdealFri, 30 Jul 2010 14:00:00 -0400 CINCINNATI—The Bengals reached a contract agreement with wide receiver Terrell Owens Tuesday, signing the outspoken six-time Pro Bowler to an excruciating one-year ordeal worth $2 million plus bonuses.
Jennie Finch Retires From Lists Of World's Hottest Female AthletesFri, 30 Jul 2010 11:30:00 -0400
American Voices: Congress Rolls Back Crack SentencingFri, 30 Jul 2010 09:30:00 -0400 The U.S. Congress passed legislation reducing the disparity of sentencing for crack cocaine possession versus powder cocaine from 100:1 to 18:1.
Statshot: What Tricks Are We Teaching Our Dogs?Wed, 28 Jul 2010 13:30:00 -0400
New Robot Capable Of Unhealthily Repressing EmotionFri, 30 Jul 2010 10:00:00 -0400 PITTSBURGH—Announcing a crucial breakthrough in the effort to create machines that accurately simulate human behavior, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University said Monday they had built the first robot with the capacity to suppress its emotions.
Sportsgraphic: Lance Armstrong's Tour De France CareerFri, 30 Jul 2010 12:00:00 -0400 Seven-time champ Armstrong will almost certainly retire from cycling following his crash-ridden swan song in this year's Tour, but he leaves fans with many memories.
Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job InterviewsThu, 29 Jul 2010 09:00:00 -0400 WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest level in decades, the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the crisis is primarily the result of millions of Americans just completely blowing their job interviews.
Lip-Reading BCS Computer Kills Officials Who Want To Shut It DownFri, 30 Jul 2010 09:00:00 -0400 TEMPE, AZ—BCS 9000, the sentient heuristic computer responsible for arranging five championship bowl games at the end of each college football season, reportedly uncovered a plot to disconnect its cognitive circuits Tuesday and proceeded to kill any...
In Focus: Gambling-Addiction Study Gets Out Of HandThu, 29 Jul 2010 12:30:00 -0400 LAS VEGAS, NV—A gambling-addiction study by researchers at UNLV's Gaming Studies Research Center has "gotten way out of hand," sources close to the project reported Monday.
Strongside/Weakside: Stephen StrasburgFri, 30 Jul 2010 12:30:00 -0400 After only nine starts, Strasburg's incredible speed, motion, and control have made this pitcher the most exciting rookie baseball has seen in years. Is he any good?
In Focus: New Gas Bill Designed By Some Kind Of Freaking ManiacWed, 28 Jul 2010 14:15:00 -0400 BOSTON—Some kind of raving psychopath apparently gnawed through his restraints and burrowed out of the Massachusetts Center For The Criminally Insane to design the invoice for the Keystone Gas Company, 36-year-old Michael Beasley reported Monday.
Letters To The Editor: Color BlindWed, 28 Jul 2010 14:00:00 -0400 Dear The Onion, I'm color-blind. What's green like? Brian Ackley, Southfield, MI
American Voices: Tennessee Candidate Asks If Islam Is CultThu, 29 Jul 2010 09:30:00 -0400 At an event earlier this month, Tennessee gubernatorial candidate Ron Ramsey questioned whether Islam was a religion or a cult, drawing criticism from Muslim leaders.
Infographic: Chelsea Clinton Getting MarriedWed, 28 Jul 2010 12:30:00 -0400 Chelsea Clinton, daughter of former president Bill Clinton and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, is marrying Marc Mezvinsky this Saturday in a ceremony that will be attended by Barack Obama, Barbra Streisand, and Oprah Winfrey. Here's what to expect from the nuptials.
Bar Patrons Dismayed By Sight Of Band Setting UpThu, 29 Jul 2010 10:00:00 -0400 ATLANTA—Patrons of Valentine's Tavern were visibly crestfallen Tuesday when their pleasant evening of drinking and conversing with friends was suddenly derailed by the sight of a few people plugging in instruments.
Opinion: If Only There Were Some Way I Could Watch Premium Movies In The Comfort Of My Own Home (by Jeff Kunstler)Thu, 29 Jul 2010 11:00:00 -0400 Television technology has been improving for decades, to the point where anyone anywhere in the country has access to hundreds of quality cable channels at the touch of a button. Shouldn't watching the hottest films, with today's hottest stars, be just a click away, too?
In Focus: World's Scientists Admit They Just Don't Like MiceFri, 30 Jul 2010 12:00:00 -0400 ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—Scientists announced that experimentation on mice has been motivated out of sheer distaste for the rodents.
Letters To The Editor: Oil ChangeSat, 31 Jul 2010 13:00:00 -0400 Dear The Onion, I'd just like to say there's no reason to change your oil every 3,000 miles. Your car can make it to 5,000 easy. Don Schwarting, Saginaw, MI
Several NBA Teams Interested In Shaq As A PersonSat, 31 Jul 2010 11:25:00 -0400 NEW YORK—Officials from the Hawks, Celtics, and Heat expressed interest in Shaquille O'Neal as a person Wednesday, confirming league rumors that they believed the free agent center would be highly suitable for a long-term friendship.
Magazine: Are Physical Events Truly Individuated On The Basis Of Spatio-Temporal Localization, Or Is This Merely A Convenient Ontological Mode Of Evading The Influence Of Causal Powers?Fri, 30 Jul 2010 12:00:00 -0400
|